Nurses Only Jokes

A patient arrived at the ER via an ambulance with minor burns on his legs. His shoes and the bottoms of his jeans are charred. The doctor asks what happened, and the patient says he was trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard, and things go out of hand. The doctor noted his breath reeked of alcohol and asked him if he had been drinking. The patient adamantly says no. The doctor couldn’t resist a setup like this and looked the man directly in the eye and said, “liar, liar, pants on fire.” Everyone had a good laugh, except the patient, who was so drunk it went over his head.

__

Nurse: My best friend’s name is Pam. She’s pretty low-key and great to be around. She goes by Loraze Pam, Diaze Pam, or Clonaze Pam.

__

How do you know the dead body by the side of the road is a nurse?

Because the stomach is empty, the bladder is full, and the rear is chewed

___

What is the opposite of you’re out?

Urine.

___

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”

The husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”

“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies are good-looking.”

The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?”

The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

___

A nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have a new policy, you can choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” 

“How do I choose?” She asked. 

St. Peter replied, “you may visit both before making your decision.”

With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell. 

The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden greeted by former friends and colleagues. She spent the day laughing, talking about old times and capped it off with an excellent supper. She even met the devil, who—surprisingly—turned out to be a pretty nice guy. 

The next day she went to Heaven. She lounged around on clouds, sang, played the harp, etc. It was okay. A little boring.

When St. Peter asked for her decision, she said, “Well, heaven was nice and all, but I had a better time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.” 

And with that, she got in the elevator and went to hell.

When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage, filth and fecal matter. Her friends; sullen, dressed in rags.

When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand…yesterday, this place was beautiful…we had a delicious meal…a wonderful time laughing and talking…” 

The devil smiled and replied, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”

___

An elderly gentleman living in a nursing home became extremely sad one day.

A nurse asked him what was wrong. The gentleman replied, “my private part died today…”

“I am  so sorry,” the nurse said, “please accept my condolences.”

The next day, the gentleman was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, flapping in the breeze.

He ran into the nurse who said,. “You can’t walk down the hall like that! Put your junk back inside your pajamas!”

“I can’t,” the gentleman said, “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”

“Yes, and?” said the nurse, 

“Well,” he replied, “today is the viewing.”

___

Be kind to nurses. They choose your catheter size.

___

A little girl says to a nurse at the hospital, “Nurse, you’ve been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?”

Nurse, “Nah, graveyards give me the creeps”

___

A nurse died and went to Hell.

It took them two weeks to realize they weren’t at work.

___

Q: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste.

___

A nurse enters the room of a terminally ill patient.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the nurse says.

“Oh no! How long have I got?” the patient asks.

“10…” says the nurse.

“10? 10 what? 10 Months? 10 Weeks?” the patient asks desperately.

“…9…8…7…”

___

All bleeding stops. Eventually.

___

Q: What do transplant nurses hate?

A: Rejection.

___

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted, after a 12-hour shift. 

She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. 

Looking at the confused teller, she mutters, “Great…some asshole’s got my pen!”

___

A nurse, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer go to a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a shot of whiskey!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “I’ll have a shot of whiskey!”

The anti-vaxxer says, “No shots for me.”


Need a Registered Nurse? Go4 is a nationwide app/platform that connects organizations with per diem nurses for a variety of settings.

For more information, or to find and hire a registered nurse, visit go4.io

If you’re an RN looking to pick up a shift or two, click the links below to download the app.